Repent.

“…but love’s the only engine of survival–“

I didn’t wake up angry– I stretched up and in to during my yoga class– BAM– There she be. Just waiting for me. Waiting. Lying dormant. KAPOW! So I did what you have to do ‘in the hot room.’ You have to spend the next 90 minutes making peace with yourself. Looking at yourself in the mirror. Waiting for the feeling to pass. But it didn’t. Not once. There it was, the whole fucking time. Rage.

I didn’t like what I was looking at for a start. Couldn’t bare it. I woke up in another body today. The not very attractive one, you know the one. The one that follows you around and says, “Hey, what did you go and do that for… you suck…”

I haven’t done anything really to prompt this. No grand mistakes. No slips really to speak of. It’s chemical. It’s hormonal. It’s fucking nebula. It’s everywhere. It’s in me. It’s outside of me. It’s a lot to take on board so early of a morning…

And then begins the internal banter…

I have this little box in my head that sometimes spill up and over. Tips itself open and all sorts of hideous things tumble out. Cruel slurs mainly made my people past. The lines roll thick and fast like those film credits my grandmother always used to bemoan. “Oh for goodness sake! Who can possibly read that fast!?”

It’s hard to do yoga when you’re occupying this state of mind. Really hard. So I sat out a lot. Huffed and puffed. Shed a little tear. It’s ugly.

I’m writing this now though as I doddle out and in to the day, my objective being just to ride it out. To wait. To sit with the feeling. Because it passes. I’m not an awful person. Everyone I love is highly unlikely to all die at the same time. Let it go mate. Let this one slide. The whole day if need be. Just let it be.

Fucking hell.

savasana–


x.

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Comments
2 Responses to “Repent.”
  1. raluca says:

    i really hope a may see cohen in person some day…

  2. Joanna says:

    I love this. So much…

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